


the edges of the world that held me up have gone away

by AnotherGayEllen



Series: what the hell would i be without you? [3]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Conversations, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Introspection, POV Third Person, Post-Canon, Religious Conflict, Suicidal Thoughts, Trina and Marvin are Friends, at the beggining, but it changes, happy may be too strong a word for it but, mostly Marvin-Centric, though Trina is vv important here too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:08:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26692714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen
Summary: "Marvin, I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna be completely direct. Since Whizzer passed, have you thought about killing yourself?"That felt like a knock to the head. He’s slightly shocked she’s being so blunt about this. He has never used those words but, "Yeah." His voice comes out smaller than he intended it too, and as the confirmation comes out he feels the need to cry again.Trina inhales sharply and stops facing Marvin. She attempts to clear her throat but chokes out something akin to a whimper. "So have I."Or; It's been nineteen days since Whizzer's passing and Marvin doesn't know how to go on. Trina also isn't so sure herself. They have a heart-to-heart.
Relationships: Marvin & Trina (Falsettos), mentions of Trina/Mendel, past Marvin/Whizzer
Series: what the hell would i be without you? [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934221
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	the edges of the world that held me up have gone away

**Author's Note:**

> ATTENTION
> 
> again, TW for suicidal thoughts and discussion of (though it has a hopeful ending)
> 
> Also, "Shloshim" is a thirty day period mourning period in which one recites the Kaddish prayer three times a day and abstains from certain luxuries out of respect for the deceased (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)
> 
> and it's two in the morning so sorry for all the mistakes
> 
> okie dokey you're all set now, good luck

Time is a strange thing. With the curtains closed and the lights out and the door locked, Marvin can never tell what time it is. How long he’s been lying in bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, refusing to spend an extra second awake when he could be blissfully asleep and unthinking, unfeeling. 

At the same time he can’t tell the passage of time, he goes through every second painfully slow. When he wakes up and can’t fall back asleep. When his body aches for food or water and he physically can’t deny that to it any longer. It feels like a chore, everything, all the time. There’s this crushing weight everywhere on his body that begs him to go back to sleep, back to the bliss of obviousness. But he always wakes up. No matter how much he wishes he wouldn’t, he always wakes up.

And though he doesn’t bother to do the math to figure out what day it is, Marvin knows it’s been exactly nineteen days since Whizzer’s passing. If it wasn’t for Shloshim he probably would have lost count, let the days bleed into each other, but his daily prayers help keep him grounded. It’s the only thing outside of the essentials that he bothers doing, though he isn’t completely sure why he even does so anymore. Marvin isn’t sure if he still believes in God. This caring, giving protector that is supposedly watching them closely. The question of how could He let things like death and disease happen feels like it should’ve always been an obvious question, but it had never hit Marvin that close to home for it to be. He had always been somewhat responsible for his own unhappiness. Not this time.

Some say it’s God's wrath. It’s the punishment of “sinners.” Marvin, not long enough ago, decided that if that were to be true, if God made it so that Whizzer was to die as a punishment for his love, God can go fuck himself. Marvin would pick Whizzer every time. 

He continues with the prayers because it’s what he knows, and it’s what he has. Regardless of God, it’s a way to honor Whizzer’s memory. Have some part of him alive, if that even makes sense. It’s all that Marvin can do to not feel completely powerless in the face of death, and it brings him a fleeting feeling of comfort. After that, he goes back to bed.

Marvin has Whizzer’s favorite sweater in bed with him. It smells like him. So does his pillow. The bed is way too big for Marvin now, but at least it smells like him. The smell lets him pretend that Whizzer is there. That he could just reach out and touch him. That any moment now Whizzer would wake up and Marvin would hear his voice and his laugh. That this all could have been a bad dream. It never is. He prays to the God he doesn’t know exists, that in the very least, he’ll never forget his laugh.

The doorbell rings. His heart is heavy in his chest and he considers not answering. It rings again. He needs to get up. It’s probably Charlotte or Cordelia. It’s been days, he at least owns it to them to answer the goddamn door. It takes every bit of willpower he has but Marvin gets up and makes his way to the door. The mirrors are still covered and he wonders if he should take a look at himself first, make sure he doesn’t look like complete shit. He ignores it. There’s no point. 

Marvin takes a deep breath and opens the door. It’s Trina. His first thought is that he hopes Jason didn’t come with her. He doesn’t know what he’d do if he had to talk to the kid like this.

“Hi,” she speaks. She sounds scared. 

Marvin blinks, “Hi.”

There’s silence.

“Can I come in?”

He ponders for a moment. There’s no point in keeping up appearances now. Marvin nods and moves to the side so she can come in. She looks… Better than him, in the very least, though that doesn’t say much.

“Would you mind turning on a light?” The way Trina asks doesn’t sound like a request, she’s careful, like she really wants to know. Marvin shakes his head and turns on a lamp.

Trina takes a seat on his couch, something akin to nervousness showing but with more hurt. Marvin doesn’t say a word, only sits down on the couch next to her, both facing the same direction.

“Marvin, I don’t know how to say this so I’m just gonna be completely direct. Since Whizzer passed, have you thought about killing yourself?" 

That felt like a knock to the head. Marvin can see in the corner of his eye, that she is looking at him, waiting for an answer. He’s slightly shocked she’s being so blunt about this. He has never used those words but, "Yeah." His voice comes out smaller than he intended it to, and as the confirmation comes out he feels the need to cry again.

Trina inhales sharply and stops facing Marvin. She attempts to clear her throat but chokes out something akin to a whimper. "So have I."

This time he looks at her, if only for a second before facing forward again. It’s another pang to his chest. "I didn't know- didn't think he…" he trails off, not knowing what to even say.

Trina breathes and tries to maintain composure. “He was a good man. And we understood each other, somehow, in all our differences. Sometimes we would talk, back then, when you tried to have it all. First about you-, mainly about you. - About things that only a lover would now. Sometimes we talked about Jason, though I didn’t like him to, at the time - it felt like a threat of being replaced. But he was kind and he was understanding. And now, when he came back, I could tell he really loved Jason. He had questions about growing up in the suburbs, I had questions about growing up gay. We'd just forget the absurd mess our life was and… talk. Even if we didn't become best friends, when he came back into our lives, I admired him. For his confidence and his passion and his resilience. Maybe even more so when he got sick.

"He was a good man. Out of all the horrible things I thought our lives would come to, this is something I never could have imagined. I couldn't possibly see it coming. I felt I had had my adventure. In 79’-, well, actually most of our marriage, but especially with our divorce and terrible attempt at normalcy, I felt that had been it. It was hard, but it was over, we could be happy now.” Her eyes water dangerously and she quickly wipes a lonely tear off her cheek.

"This felt like a reminder. Life doesn't care. It doesn’t care about your feelings or whatever narrative you’re forming in your head. There's no sense to it, no such thing as karma or reason. It just happens. Whatever you do, whoever you are, life will never wait and it will never be fair. You can only wish you’re one of the lucky ones. And if life is so meaningless and cruel and merciless, why bother? My son won't eat, won't speak. His father, my friend, won't leave his apartment. An amazing, innocent man is gone, for absolutely no reason. And people are _cruel,_ " the word comes out as a whisper as she tries to keep her voice from cracking. She shakes her head. "Why even try? I’m tired of trying, Marvin.” She grips her own hand as she weeps and trembles, _scared_. “I can’t do this again and again, just hoping maybe this time life will be a little kinder. It won’t. This is it. This is life. And I’m not sure I can stand it anymore," the words feel rough and destructive leaving her mouth, but at least they don't burn the back of her throat anymore. 

He holds her hand. Once, touching her made Marvin feel sick. It feels like a lifetime ago and yesterday simultaneously. All he knows is that it doesn’t feel the same at all. He doesn’t know what he could say to make her feel better, but he doesn’t think that’s what she wants, so he doesn’t try to do so. Instead, he is honest. “I feel like I failed,” he says as if it was a question. “I know- I know it’s not true but I can’t help but feel that if I had done something different, he could still be here. I _saw_ him getting sick. I saw him eat less and get tired easier and be just - less himself. Act differently. And I saw him getting skinnier and weaker and paler and I did _nothing_ . I watched him as he got worse and worse and I - ignored it.” He looks down, on the verge of tears. “Isn’t that what I do? I just-. I didn’t want things to be bad so I pretend they weren’t, I just hoped it would go away, that it’d be nothing, I-. We were just so happy,” the phrase comes out as a sob as he breaks down, not being able to hold it in anymore. He doesn't stop his sobs as he goes on, lip trembling, "W-we had _finally_ found each other again and- and everything was _so_ much better. I had never been so happy or so in love my entire life, not even close. - I wanted it so badly to last forever." Marvin lets himself cry, all tears and desperation, and he lets himself be held.

He calms himself down (or maybe more like Trina calms him down), clears his throat, and keeps his glassy eyes looking down. “And maybe if I had done something or said something…" he shakes his head. "And now he’s gone. And I don’t know how to live anymore. I don’t know how to smile without him in my life and I- I feel like I lost everything. All I wanted, my future, gone. I don’t know how to go on knowing what happened to him, knowing he's _dead_ , and wondering if it’s all my fault.

“At this point, I feel like I’m just waiting to die. For whatever it is that is killing people like me, to catch up and get it over with. But it’s getting harder to wait.”

The words hang in the air between them. Never before said out loud, never to be spoken again. The same mortifying confession from two very different people, two old friends. The admission is terrifying and agonizing and gloom. And it’s a relief.

Marvin speaks. “So what now?”

“I don’t have the answers. I still think the universe is cold and uncaring and full of misery. And I am _so_ scared of what the future will bring. So scared I can barely breathe sometimes. But then…" She sighs. "I think: The last two years were the best years of my life. I was so happy. I met someone so wonderful and I got a marriage that isn’t a chore and I got so much love,” she laughs, unbelieving. “So much love I could drown it. And I could understand my son for what felt like the first time. And even though I know that I’m gonna go through heartbreak again, that life will do what it does and crush me again someday, I have to think about what will come before that. And after this. Because even though I know the good parts will only be fleeting, I know that this is, too. Like the last time, my life crumbled around me and I felt the world was ending - and it didn’t," she smiles lightly, tears rolling down her face. "It got so much better. And it kills me to think I could have missed it.

"I have no idea what’s to come. But you can _always_ come back from the bad. You can always try again. Live again. But you can only die once. And there is so much I want to see. I want to watch Jason grow up. And I want to wake up next to Mendel again and have family dinners with you and Charlotte and Cordelia, and experience so many things I have no idea are coming yet.

“And, sure, I can’t be certain the next tragedy won’t take any of these things away from me, too. And that - makes me physically hurt. And it terrifies me to my core. But I won’t be the one to deny myself these things. And I will _not_ be the one to deny my son a mother. So I’m going to fight. And I’m going to stay. And I’m going to hurt again - and I am _so_ not ready for that. But when I think of the future, in the in-betweens, and when I think of my family - I think maybe the good parts can make the hurt worth it.”

It's hard to find words. Marvin thinks of Whizzer, and Jason, and Charlotte and Cordelia. He thinks of his childhood and for how long he had wished to die. He thinks about his eleven years of marriage and about how miserable he was. He thinks about all the color and happiness and love that came into his life. He thinks of births and tiny hands and eyes just like his. He thinks of first meetings and falling in love and passion and _feeling_ for what felt like the first time. He thinks of pain and fights and mistakes and heartbreak. He thinks of laughter and happiness and connection and _love_ beyond what he could have dreamed, and everything he never thought he could have, and he cries. And he _gets it_.   
  
“If I… If I had the chance to do this all over again, to meet him again and hold him again and love him again, knowing how it ends; I would do it all over again." _The good parts make the hurt so worth it._ "Thank you, Trina.”

She answers with a genuine smile, nose red, and eyes glassy. She lets out a shaky breath. The silence is comfortable and they can breathe. The pain remains, but some of the weight has been lifted. And there's a spark of something new. Hope.

They lift themselves off the couch and walk to the door. Trina turns to him. “Do you want to come over tomorrow? Jason misses you.”

Marvin takes in a sharp breath. It's difficult. He wants to see him again but-

“You don’t have to put on a brave face or try to make him feel better. He knows you have it worse than any of us. Just seeing you would make him really happy,” she assures him as if reading his thoughts.

Marvin hesitates but nods. “I’d like that.”

Trina takes Marvin's hand and squeezes it. They look at each other and come to an understanding. _Things aren't ok, - but they will be._

She looks at him with softness in her eyes and a truthful smile through the sadness. To her surprise, Marvin steps closer and hugs her. She's taken by surprise, they don't do this a lot, never did. She puts her arms gently around him and puts her chin on his shoulder. _It's nice._  
  
“Marvin, it’s been a while since I said this to you, and it means something very different now then it did back then but; I love you.” And she means it.

He smiles shakily, safe in her embrace. “I love you, too.” For the first time, he means it too.

**Author's Note:**

> can you tell this was written with like months apart lmao
> 
> hope you're enjoying the saga of tkf breaking down angst (check out the series if you haven't), I could write emotional hurt/comfort forever
> 
> mm yeah hope you liked it, leave a comment and take care <3
> 
> title from "Edges of The World" from Fun Home because it fucking slaps and also murders me, go listen to it (and bruce is literally marvin if he hadn't come out)


End file.
